GET OFF THE STAGE. YOU ARE NOT WHO WE ARE HERE TO SEE.

For fear of being dismissed as completely shallow, I don’t like the kind of guy that is conventionally described as “hot.” I like facial hair. I don’t like muscle. However, I can appreciate how OTHER girls would find that kind of thing attractive. The guys from Gossip Girl and Supernatural do nothing for me, but Dr. Chase from House (if he grew a beard and lost the accent) could sweep me off my feet. 

I give people the benefit of the doubt, I really do. I know what my friends like (one likes much older, heroin-chic drummers; one has a thing for Santa Claus) but there are some that know that they could only score h0t chixxx if he learns guitar and joins a band full of attractive guys. There is a certain juxtaposition and humour in the image of a guy who looks like a ginger Horatio Sanz in a band with Chad Michael Murray and Dark Angel-era Michael Weatherly. 

I am, above all, about the music. If the band functions well and puts on an amazing show, I have no beef with The Ugly One. However, I’ve noticed that often the one with the lowest self-esteem is the one who goes out of his way to show off. He hogs the spotlight from the singer. He solos more often than is really necessary. He’s always the one to thank the crowd. HE IS COMPENSATING, and there’s really no need.

If a girl is the pity friend, usually she knows it and is ashamed. In the aforementioned situations, it’s almost as though the ugly bandmate is going out of his way to EMPHASIZE that he’s not as hot – and that he’s cool with that BECAUSE HE CAN PLAY THE GUITAR BEHIND HIS HEAD ZOMG.

I shouldn’t notice that one band member is a three among nines. Bands should play a good set, I should buy your album and have the music be the most memorable part of the evening. If you all took turns showing off, I’d also take less issue. 

Stop your douchey attention-whoring and just play. I’m not going to sleep with any of your bandmates anyway.