For when “dislike” just doesn’t cut it…











{December 2, 2009}   Nerd Girl Dreams (song parody)

This is not a hate post – far from it. It combines two of my loves: bad pop music from my tween years and geek culture.

It’s a parody I wrote of O-Town’s Liquid Dreams, a song upon which we all look back and cringe. However, it’s perfect for tribuarody (tribute/parody, a term originated by my IRL nerd girl dream man Kevin over at The Redding Mineshaft).

As the song was released in 2001, there’s no karaoke version on YouTube, but here’s the song so you can sing along (I’ve spared you the dancing in the original video – you’re welcome)

Nerd Girl Dreams by Allegra

Posters of space surrounding me, of home worlds and sci-fi and fantasy
Every night he visits me and reduces me to squee.

Now this hot nerd, he’s not your average nerd
He’s a neuromantic dream hopped up on caffeine
And he’s so fine designed to pwn your mind
He’s a fighter pilot millionaire and sex machine

I dream about a man who’s a mix of Harrison Ford
Just a little touch of the tenth Time Lord
Wielding the Master Sword, throw in a Body Electric
And you’ve got the star of my nerd girl dreams

Castiel’s angel lips to kiss in the dark
Underneath Draco Malfoy’s dark mark
When it comes to the fight Scott Pilgrim’s got might
And I’ve got Neo to show me the light.

Now this hot nerd, he’s not your average nerd
He’s a counter-cultured being from the comic scene
And he’s so fine designed to pwn your mind
He’s a fighter pilot millionaire and sex machine

I dream about a guy who’s a mix of Bret and Jemaine
A little more Mal and a little less Jayne
Channeling young Bruce Wayne, throw in a body like Gambit’s
And you’ve got the star of my nerd girl dreams

Looks ain’t everything he’s gotta have a way off the colony
Like Major Lee (Major Lee!)
My mama doesn’t mind it, she knows that I’ve been blinded
By tractor beams – I’m pulled up every time I dream
My
Nerd girl dreams, my nerd girl dreams
Fan girl screams in these nerd girl dreams

I dream about a man who’s a mix of Harrison Ford
Just a little touch of the tenth Time Lord
Wielding the Master Sword, throw in a Body Electric
And you’ve got the star of my nerd girl dreams

I dream about a guy who’s a mix of Bret and Jemaine
A little more Mal and a little less Jayne
Channeling young Bruce Wayne, throw in a body like Gambit’s
And you’ve got the star of my nerd girl dreams…

I tried to include a little bit of everything. Major Lee refers of course to Lee Adama of Battlestar Galactica, my current geeky obsession. I was tempted to write a whole Allegra Hates post on Gaius Baltar, but his character flaws have been thoroughly explored by other nerds who weren’t late to the BSG party (I can’t believe I watched 4.5 seasons of a show when I was constantly distracted by an urge to punch a main character!)

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There is something about superhero movies that turn me into a gushing fan girl. Usually, it’s the way a certain character (usually not the fan favourite) is portrayed that makes or breaks an adaptation for me… Gary Oldman’s James Gordon in the Batman movies, Patrick Wilson’s Nite Owl and Matthew Goode’s Ozymandias… they did justice to their roles and made up for all the ending changes and the throwaway one-liners.

I was so hella stoked to see the Wolverine movie, mostly because I knew it couldn’t get worse than X-3 (I’m sorry, is my bias showing?). I knew there would be cool action scenes and that I’d like it at least a little more than the average person. I did. I thought it was fun. I thought it was mostly well-acted and that the action scenes were awesome (albeit a little too Mortal Kombat in some places). I thought they mostly did justice to the characters.

I say mostly because there’s one exception: my lover, Gambit. They really dropped the ball on bringing Remy LeBeau to life. I think part of it was the fault of the actor, Taylor Kitsch, and the rest fell on the director, Gavin Hood.

My problems were:

  • His accent, or lack thereof. Gambit has a sexy Creole accent. It’s very thick, and as trademark to him as a kinetically charged playing card. Taylor could not for the life of him do one convincingly. At first he tried and it came out as some kind of southern robot. “That-de-pends-do-ah-owe-you-mon-ey?” After his first exchange with Hugh Jackman, he drops it completely and just sounds like a teenage boy again. Couldn’t Gavin Hood have said, “Um… can you maybe TRY to stay in character?!”
     
  • His card manipulation ability is deplorable. He tries a few (not entirely enough, but that’s the next point) and they are so obviously done by computers. Kevin, while waiting for the film to start, showed more impressive card tricks than the movie did with its blatant CG effects. Gambit is AWESOME, and his abilities with a deck of cards are definitely part of the characterization they wanted to emphasize. Fail.
     
  • As a follow up to my previous point, he throws very few cards at all. There was an over-reliance on his quarterstaff (actually, it’s a buck and a quarter quarterstaff, but I’m not telling him that!) but amid all the coat-flapping and metal-meets-metal noises, it really doesn’t *look* impressive. (I guess because they think it looks cooler than EXPLOSIONS!?)
     
  • Not much of a spoiler, but Wolverine beats him far too easily far too early in the film. In the comics (or even cartoon!), the Ragin’ Cajun would NOT be beaten in a minute – he is a street thief trained in Savate and specialized in hand-to-hand combat. I don’t care how overpowered you make Wolverine… I guess the one nerdy thing I can think of to explain it is that Stryker is not just filling that role, but also the role of Mister Sinister (who, in the comics, decreased Gambit’s power at his request so that he could remain more anonymous).
     
  • Where are his glowing red and black eyes? They flashed during the fight very briefly, and then went back to being *~*pritty*~*. His eyes are the whole reason he lives the way he does in the first place! (I know this isn’t “X-Men Origins: Gambit,” but still!)
     
  • Admittedly, what REALLY bothered me the most was that it was blatant fan service to even include him. He doesn’t actually play a role in Wolverine’s origin – he’s too young! He was cut from X-2. He was cut from X-3. His role is so minor, and they managed to screw up not just the character, but the continuity if they ever want to use him again. If they want him in a continuation of the trilogy (which they would have to if they want to do the Rogue coupling or anything involving his work with the X-Men), he’ll have to be played by someone who’s 40. Anna Paquin’s whiny bitch Rogue would not go for him, despite the sexual tension that taught nine-year-old me to make seven-card stud jokes.

I guess my boyfriend, who dressed up as Gambit for the film’s release, set the bar a little too high. I guess $130 million can’t compete with a $45 leather trench coat.



et cetera